Privacy Policy - the Fun Version!

WHY DO I HOLD INFORMATION ABOUT YOU?

I am not a real artist, but only pose as one - which works very well as a cover for my more devious operation, namely the embezzling of money from mainly unintelligent wealthy widows and aging couples who never had children.

WHERE DO I STORE YOUR INFO? (Specifically . . .) 

All digital information I receive, like your name, email address, the last three digits of your car reg. plate, the football team you support, where you were doing what on 9/11 - not forgetting who you voted for on the last X-factor, and whether you separate cutlery/dishes used for a pet from those used for humans when washing up - it's all encoded in unique binaural sound language, and hand-written in red Quink ink with my best silver Conway Stewart fountain pen on sheet music I keep in the spare bedroom next to Uncle Joe's ashes, (behind the old Olivetti typewriter and box of unused Ilford circular slide-show projection cartridges.)

WHAT I DO WITH YOUR INFORMATION

Because the binaural language is written primarily in sharps and flats, semi-quavers and dotted minims, I will randomly select a customer's details and play it in reverse on an old Fender Strat I inherited from my late granddad, (the one with an ebony whammy-bar and autographed by the late James Saville, who himself fixed it). If I like the tune and my neighbour Doris does too, I will invariably improvise on the theme in the Dorian or Lydian mode. When bored, i will then photocopy all the info with my 1976 Xerox machine, (the one you can sit naked on top of to record the specific patterns of pubic hair in detail, either your own or . . .  but I digress . . .), and sell copies to as many Green Cornish Terrorist Organizations I can find listed in the local Thomson's directory and what's left of Yellow Pages.

WHAT YOU CAN DO IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT I DO WITH YOUR INFO

At any new moon, whilst half way through your main meal of the day, you may write to me in BLACK BIRO ONLY on Basildon Bond parchment paper (preferably soft vellum), requesting that I use the specific sheet music, on which your details are encoded, the next time my family runs out of loo-roll on a Sunday after 4pm; but not before forwarding a signed copy to the DVLA in Swansea for vehicle reg verification. (I have provided them in advance with all relevant decoding information.)

SHOULD YOU NEED TO DISPUTE ANY OF MY INFO POLICIES

Please do not discuss any issues with friends or anyone down the pub, or especially your best friend's mother, but telephone me direct (on any Wednesday between 4.30pm and 7pm) using a fictitious Hindi or Sanskrit pseudonym whilst faking a non-confrontational accent of your choice for up to twelve minutes. If we cannot resolve the dispute before I go to play bingo in Penzance, please ask your solicitor to ring me direct on the following Sunday - once Tesco, Asda, Sainsbury's, etc have closed - and well before my 7pm snooze. They may use any accent of their choice (including confrontational). I have never yet had an unresolved dispute over the holding and use of personal information - touch wood.